hard time

I wish Travis knew that I loved him. this has been a source of angst for him for the last few weeks (months?), and last night he finally mentioned it as I was dozing off in his arms that I don't need him like he needs me when it's clearly the opposite: I need him more than I'm ever going to admit, because the last people who evoked such strong emotion in my left me heart broken for so long, I wanted to kill myself and end the pain of knowing that I wasn't integral to their lives like they were to mine.

long rambling sentences clearly point to my sincerity.

I was not raised in a terribly affectionate family. my mother did not kiss or hug, and after my bouts of insanity and rage I stopped letting anyone not a good friend or lover touch me. long after the manifestations ended, the timidness about people touching me remained. I still don't hug some of the favorite people in my life. it still bothers, surprises, and embarrasses me.

lately I've been shitty, crying and getting mad and getting up at all hours of the night and feeling nauseous over everything, including being snuggled against and smelling his body. the hormones and my ocd tendencies have coincided. I started checking the stove and the locks again. I started doubting the alarm clock's ability to work. I've started questioning everything I do, repeating myself, stuttering (and getting laughed at for it, which made me angry and hurt that someone would laugh at my obvious anxiety-triggered symptom, and I wanted to kill Lori, I really did) and just feeling like I fail at everything I do, including laundry and being a cat person.

did I mention my fish died?

in the midst of all this he questions my ability to love him, which is the most heartbreaking thing ever. because all I can do to show my love is wear this ring and be miserably pregnant right now, because everything else is a turmoil of emotion. I wish he knew about the fear and the jubilation that I have the best man I have ever known, and I am willing to be his and claim him for my greedy-assed self. that he's my world and I wait for him to come home every day, that I cook for him because I love making him food he'll eat, that I can't stand not being a better person, because he deserves more than this crazy wife. I can't help but think I'm over my head, loving someone better than I ever loved before.