the worst you can do

is with the weakness I admit to.

I'm moving to Blogger, because it appears my livejournal has gone the way of advertising. it seems several of the blogs I read are hosted by Blogger. there might be more user hits, especially if I am inspired to make the most of this. 

the problems right now:

-being pregnant sucks. the hormones are out of control, and I am alternating between excitement and the unwillingness to continue. part of me wants to settle down. the rest wants to walk away and find myself. 

-my job is being a hassle, particularly my coworkers. hi. my name is Annie. I work for a major pharmacy retail in Florida. I have two pentecostal co-workers, neither of which have spoken to me without a hint of disgust or shame since my announcement (not to mention that the two times I wrote my announcement on the office board, it was erased because people thought it was a shitty joke or that I was being snide) . and that pisses me off, that I can't live my life (however chaotically) without other people making comments that are out of their jurisdiction. my brother-in-law said 'you know, there are ways to prevent that'. you think I would have told you if this was entirely unwanted?  do you think that didn't cross my mind? and who are you to say anything?

my problem with abortion is that, if I were to have the procedure done,  I would feel selfish and guilty. over the years, I had an distilled concoction of 'abortion is murder' shoved down my throat. which is frustrating, because now I am nauseous, wishing I had an out, wishing I could get out of this job, this seemingly endless situation, but I'm going to stick with it, upset and questioning everything I do.

About Travis: he's ecstatic when I'm not crying my eyes out. and he loves the idea of children. he is a good person to settle down with; he has endless ambition, and he is smart enough to get anything he wants accomplished. we're married. we should be closing in on a house by the 19th. and before I had an idea that I was pregnant, we already discussed marriage and settling down, albeit early.

I was also thinking about leaving.

I wish there was a pill I could take and I would wake up tomorrow, as the good wife who doesn't call in sick because she woke up through out the night after sobbing for a long, frustrating two hours and was too wore out to try to battle retail. the wife that was happy with this. that didn't want to give up. that cleaned more. 

my mother still hasn't spoken to me directly. I was just informed through Dad to take royal jelly and ginger. neither of which are producing particularly good results.

tell me I'm okay. that you still like me. I need the reassurance. and I miss cigarettes.