let me tell you what I've done since I last had internet.

- I beat my husband in the head with an empty milk jug at four o'clock in the morning. I get up early to take him to work, because we share my truck. the tax refund that paid for the shiny laptop I picked out also will be going to aforementioned vehicle; because of safety concerns involving me and my son (yes, you heard right, and his name is Benjamin) Travis will let me get no less than a tank to drive around in. as long as it's not a tiny car (as economical and efficient as that would be) I don't care. I just don't want to be scared to drive. the milk jug was left empty in the fridge, and I just made oatmeal with brown sugar and raisins. and what goes better with that than milk? until I open the fridge and find not even enough to entice a cat by. I whaled on him. 

and let me tell you, don't worry about salt retention when you're pregnant. all those tears remove sodium quite nicely.

- I left work a month early because I was seriously worried I was going to yell at a customer. I did yell at a co-worker or two, mostly because they were lazy and hey, let's just make Annie do it. she's only 6... 7... 8... months pregnant. one thing I will never, never do is work in the public eye while pregnant again. most of my customers were oblivious enough to not notice my bulging belly until the last month. my job wanted me to move water palettes and work on the ladder until I put my foot down.... in February. And I still had problems after that. it was hard for me to say no, because I was always their go-to girl. Travis finally said to me that if I miscarry while working for them doing something stupid, what can they do? apologize? hey, sorry we pushed you too far. After that revelation I stood up for myself better. 

- my 'morning sickness' was a reaction to the iron in my multi-vitamin. I stopped taking any supplements, to the chagrin of anyone I told - which is another thing. be prepared to put your foot down about your opinions. I had one person tell me my baby was going to have cystic fibrosis because I wasn't taking the right vitamin. my midwives frowned upon me for refusing to take fancy tests to determine if my kid was deformed or retarded. I only took the blood tests required because Travis asked me to. Ben will not be vaccinated unless absolutely necessary. I told Travis to not let him out of sight in the hospital. unless we have to put him in daycare, he will not get a shot until kindergarten. 

- these last two weeks have been rough physically; the zombie baby has been growing so much my skin is stretching and I can feel it tear. lots of lotion. sleep is getting better - I had been closing most nights (thanks to not being able to be their little bitch anymore) and then getting up to drive Travis to work, stay up for a couple of hours, then sleep until my shift. it was a bad way to be, and seriously affected my attitude. I finally started chewing my Flintstones and taking Viactiv in addition to my diet; my water retention started getting to me, but the dumb bitch of a midwife could only tell me to stay away from salt. thanks. i.e., no shit. my mother told me to eat bananas, and that has helped a great deal. I still have some swelling, but I'm not too bad. my face is puffy at times and I feel like a behemoth, but I am looking forward to getting back in shape, to taking care of Ben, of self-renewal. 

- work done to the house included painting the nursery a bright, scary green and ripping out the flooring. I have a bassinet for Ben, and by the time he is big enough for his crib we should have flooring (red, earthy tile) done. this house is completely original to its 1976 build. a lot of work is needing to be done, but because it is all cosmetic, we've been able to do things a little at a time without worrying about time frame. I know my house doesn't look great right now, but we have big plans for it and I married a geek and and an ace of trades. he can do most of this by himself. I've gotten into the groove of house cleaning, and other than the bathroom (it scares me. seriously. drain holes and bodily fluid, even if it is ours, bother me. so far this has been the only strong manifestation of my adolescent anxiety.) it's relatively intact. once I am better able to move, everything should get a lot better. that's my hope.

- Travis has been a trooper throughout this really rough patch; he hasn't been getting laid and it takes a toll on him like nothing I've seen. my desire fragged out right around the time I got pregnant, and I hope that once things have settled back down we can get back into that comfortable groove that was our sex life. I have issues from past relationships that need to be addressed, too. I miss being close to him, but I have no urge to initiate; between my self-image and the discomfort, it hasn't been worth it. I don't want to do it just for him though. I don't feel like it's a manifestation of love when I'm just appeasing him to get him to stay out of a grumpy mood; that's not fair to either of us. however, he needs his release. he's backed off the subject, especially with the due date so close, and for that I love him. I beat myself up for not being able to make this stressful time for him easier, but I don't want to have to worry about it right now. we're both worried about post-partum depression and the house and all sorts of other things. I can't afford to go psycho again now. too much riding on my shoulders. sometimes I think he's still worried I'll run off and disappear. I'd be crippled without him, though. I never thought I'd love someone more than Kyle, but Trav and I fit together so tightly I can't imagine breaking that bond we have. it helps that we have a kid, too. or will. really soon. 

I'm sure I missed a thousand things to mention, but I have all the time in the world right now. I'm sure I'll remember eventually. 

thanks for reading this; thanks for existing. it's been so lonely.