I just remember the girl I knew. you changed so much in such a short period of time in Memphis, it disfigured my views of you. because I didn't physically see you change, I figured you were the same. stupid, but human. I was never that good at empathy anyway. I wish you knew how I told everyone about you, how much I cared for you, that I told people that you were my family, my everything. I thought we'd always be together, entwined.
I don't understand that you two can be so different, no. tunnel vision. you were close in age, dealt with the same issues, and looked alike; what was I to do? and mind you, while my siblings and I are 11 and 18 years apart, respectively, with all the shit that ensues with that sort of separation, we are alike. I'm as paranoid and confrontational as my brother, with the demand for agreement and submission from my sister. we don't even have the same father, but we finish each others' sentences. I couldn't expect that from the two of you? it wasn't that I ever questioned your individual selves. you weren't as open as he was, and I fit you in his skewed self views. it was unfair of me to prefer him, but I did. you had left me in the wayside anyway, though mostly not by intention.
I get mad. I didn't take the weak road of ignoring my past, I fought through it. you never answered the phone, and it broke my heart every time. I wanted you, just you. I don't have to dignify my own struggles on here. suffice to say, it was long, hard, and I lost a lot of myself for months before finally throwing myself into work, finding and loving someone who was stronger than myself, who worked through his shit and didn't hold it against the world. I hold him above all others. he didn't hurt me, he didn't leave me alone in squander, he didn't ignore me for a better life. he's my weapon against all those who have and still hurt me. I'm still not sure, sometimes, of what I provide for him, but it's more than I could ever give to either of you.
and you know, my friends aren't you, because no one in this world could be, but they were reliable. and they answered the phone when I called. I needed that the most, and I couldn't get that from you.
you come off as someone on the attack. and it shouldn't be like that. I always wanted you to come find me, but not like this. if you don't have the guts to call, fine, but don't blame it on that 'vast disconnect'. it was a product of our actions, and it could always be rectified. I guess that infinitely hopeful part of myself wants to hear your voice, and we could talk about seeing each other and how life is, and what we've done to broaden ourselves. I know, however, with the hostility, it would probably just be an epic failure. but I would still try. I try so hard not to antagonize either of you, but I never walked away. and I will always hold that against both of you.
I will always love you. I have a tattoo on my left arm with the lyrics 'and I knew the echo that is love'. you taught me that, at least.
I wish you would tell me what happened after he left; I just know he was calling all sorts of girls from college, as well as Melissa, never letting on that we were together. I was so desperate to keep him with me, I would have done anything, accepted anything. I was hurting myself pretty badly, but he never interfered. he let me down, but I guess we all did that to each other. I shouldn't be so angry about everything, but I'm also trying to understand what I did that was so wrong to be left at my worst. Travis taught me, however, that there doesn't have to be a reason. I try to hold that in my heart and gain closure over everyone who has ever let me down.
I figure if I can forgive my parents, I could forgive you. but you have to let me, let love, let all this shit in. I know I have to open and restitch these wounds. I have to be at my best for my husband and son.
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