'comes raining from a hapless cloud'

So, married life, right?

I sleep and get mad at my son for throwing shit and clothing all over the place. My husband gets mad at me for being too severe with him. I feel like a bad mother - smacked him hard after an hour of tantrums. Left a mark on his face. I'm in trouble for not going to bed with my husband. My house is discombobulated from working on drywall, painting, removing wallpaper, and hanging out at the next door neighbor's. Been drinking coffee sometimes. Haven't gone back to my job since quitting - it feels good. I would kill for a vacation away from my family. I wish I could run free. I spent so much time aspiring to be a hippie, and now I sit at home. I don't think life has passed me by, usually. I still think it's 2006 and I'm 17. I don't know how I got so confused. There's a reference to this in Stranger in a Strange Land, but I don't want to find the book and quote Heinlein yet again. You'd think I found another author by now, but no, he's my man. My twenty-years-dead-but-still-badass-idol.

I had stopped listening to music for so long. Started to again recently. You know that car commercial with the giant sock monkey? Yeah, that song brought it all back to me.

I want to take people out, watch movies, and never eat again. I'm tired of my weaknesses, want to purge and get tattooed and never feel stuck or forced in my rut of life. I remember being happy when I was confused and self-destructive. That's all I ever compare my new life to now. Hard to measure up. Hard to let go. Hard to go on without some sort of motivation.

I told my husband I needed a vacation, and his response was "I wish I was special enough to take a vacation." I wish he was observant enough to know I was having problems, concerned enough to comfort me, and had the foresight to help my problems now, not before they explode.

I do not know why the caged bird sings. I sure as hell don't have a tune.