I am having issues with my husband's lack of empathy, sympathy, any of it. He doesn't get my insomnia, the fact that going to bed at 8 o'clock isn't exactly appetizing. I spend all night reading, and I clean when I get the inclination - at least a couple of tasks a day to get through the week. My house isn't dirty. It can be cluttered, however.
I'm not happy. I've got the husband, the kid, the house. I've got free time out the ass. What kills me the most is a lack of sex drive, the ultimate factor in any problem we have in our marriage: I don't think I could ever have another kid, just because I feel down, I feel lethargic, heavy, and I have no inclination. I hear a lot about that - it can take anywhere from 6 months to 3 years to get it back. I don't have that kind of time to wait - Travis thinks I don't like him anymore. I am still angry over the fact that he couldn't leave me alone when I was sick/pregnant/depressed. Couldn't let it go, take care of himself. He 'shouldn't have to'. I feel that it translates to 'I shouldn't have to make an effort to make my wife happy.'
I gave up quite a bit of shit to keep everything kosher. I took a house I didn't want, worked nights at a job that didn't tolerate pregnancy. I kept the house clean, felt sick and dealt with so many shitty healthcare professionals I do everything it takes to keep our family from any doctor, nurse, or even an office receptionist. He says he gave up a lot too. His job didn't change. His body didn't change. His mind didn't drive him insane. He didn't have to deal with all the stupid fucking shit a pregnant woman does. I got called fat, had people tell me I was making a mistake in marriage, going too fast, and what the hell was I thinking?
I feel like every negative thing thrown at us has shadowed every action. I might as well not try, nobody thinks it'll work anyway. My husband sure as shit doesn't make an effort, so why bother. I know this is the wrong perspective. I get tired, however, of being the one who has to make the change, give in, take a different position. I'm sick of having to be the peace keeper. I mention he does wrong, I feel patronized or ridiculed. I feel like every fight I back down from is a loss. I just want to give up, cut, run, come back with a fresh mind. I know it ain't right, but it's all I've ever done. I want to throw out there that hey, man, I don't have to be here. I don't have to take your lack of effort. I don't have to take you taking me for granted. However, I am not foolish enough to back someone in a corner. The claws come out and we lash out like the animals we are.
Is it because we're both alpha personalities?
It's not that I don't love him. It's that I'm too pissed to care.
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