going 100 in a 55

what frustrates me is that while I feel okay enough to be normal again (give or take fatigue and the weight), every single website says wait, take your time. 

but what if it's for the worse to wait?

I know it hurts me to wait any longer; I'm driven nuts by not looking my best, by not giving my husband what we both want. 

I feel fine. other than, you know, giving up breastfeeding because a) I didn't make enough, b) feeding him every 2-3 hours was driving both of us nuts, and c) I felt like a failure because I started smoking again and was paranoid to let any nicotine into his system. 

I talked to Melissa today, after months of silence. nothing negative, we just do that. 

I drive the 'champagne bullet', a Buick LeSabre.  it's so ghetto. seriously. 

I'm going to go smoke. what? me? sleep? fuck that.