ingot of black

I taught myself, after three weeks without a computer, to not throw the laptop when I'm pissed off. the bitch of it is I don't really know what made me feel that angry; I was feeling vaguely unappreciated. Travis and I pick at each other.

my mother throws things, too.

speaking of my mother, she had severe issues with her knee that made her trip to Florida two days late. she's walking okay, but as I told my sister, knowing your mother is getting older and seeing it are two different things entirely.

we hung out, shopped. I introduced her to Starbucks. we gossiped and discussed and she approved of my house, my cats, and my baby. the whole experience was much better than I hoped for, in spite of our rocky past. she cried and hugged me (for the first time) when she said goodbye. still getting over missing her, having someone to look forward to seeing. I mentioned going up to see them, but honestly we can't afford that right now. and by the time we can, it'll be winter and I'll be working, depressed and chainsmoking. you can tell how excited I am about going back to my job.

been taking St. John's Wort. it helped for two days. I'm back to feeling lethargic. but okay. now taking SAM-e.

I don't know. I feel guilty for the house being a mess, I feel guilty for having Travis feed the dogs or change Ben after he's been at work all day. I feel so guilty for asking for help. Travis isn't exactly jumping at the chance to help, either. when he does want to do something, it's pulling out a stump that my flowers are growing on, pulling out the floors.

I'm still mad at him for not helping out as much when I was pregnant, let alone now. I'm tired of the excuse 'well, you're at home all day'. I hate that no one has offered to take Ben for a few hours, and I feel bad for asking. honestly, I think sometimes that people are punishing me for getting pregnant by refusing to help now.

I have to go make a shopping list.