mental health, blast from the past

I guess with anyone, I have good days and I have bad days. they are easily determined: did I get a letter in the mail? did I run out of cigarettes? did Benjamin wake up cranky? am I feeling creative? have I gotten the chores done? did I perform basic hygienic chores, such as brushing my teeth or putting on clean clothing?

usually there is an underlying problem that is exacerbated by these simple issues, turning a small sore into a seething boil of rage and frustration. I get mad at what I can't control. I get mad at emotions I feel I have no say over, actions made by people I feel consistently failed by.

so someone who appears to be Kyle's girlfriend sent me a message asking how I knew him. I responded as such:

I dated him on/off for seven years.

and you are?

and later, because I am impatient and feeling the need to justify myself to someone who might not even exist:

I guess I am to assume you are his girlfriend. I'm not sure how you found me, but searching for people on the internet is exceedingly easy.

I am extremely curious as to why you had to ask who I was. I expected him to tell everyone what a horrible, psychotic human being I am. However, I somehow lack the capacity to be seriously concerned about my tarnished image at a Christian college in rural Missouri. I hope he's treating you well, though that would be a first on his part.

If this is Kyle, I do not see why you are contacting me. I do not care if you kill yourself this time. I will not bail you out. I only hope someone else has the sympathy required to help you. I have better things to do.

I am sure I sound stand-offish and harsh, but trust me, long story.

I feel stupid, upset, and I wonder why I should even bother with this. what do I derive out of some eighteen year old who is curious?

Travis,

bring me some cigarettes home all ready.